My parents removed me from their will

[u/FormalFun9414]

Chicken Tika with vegetable samosa and naan.

The other week my 74-year-old mother told me that she and my dad had finally finished their wills, medical directives, and burial plans. They met with a lawyer, wrote everything out, and made it official. I had been asking them to do this for a while because they both have a number of medical issues.

I have two older siblings. The oldest lives with my parents and has for most of his adult life. He works full-time and is active in his community, but has struggled with anxiety, depression, agoraphobia, and is financially irresponsible. I’ve privately had opinions about some of his reasons for never really leaving home, but ultimately it wasn’t my business, so I stayed out of it.

My other sibling has almost no relationship with my parents and doesn’t want one. None of the three of us are married or have children.

My mother told me that when they die, their house and everything in it will go to my oldest sibling. The house is probably worth around $300k. My other sibling will receive whatever money they have in their bank accounts, life insurance, retirement accounts, etc. My parents aren’t wealthy, but it will likely be at least six figures.

And then there is me.

I’m the youngest. I’m the one who navigates difficult conversations. I organize every family dinner and every holiday. I’m everyone’s therapist. Every other year I take my parents on a road trip because they don’t like flying but love sightseeing. I’m the emergency contact. I’m the medical wrangler.

My mom told me that what I’m getting is responsibility for their medical decisions because they trust me the most to “do what’s right by them.”

My dad recently had spinal surgery. My oldest brother, who lives with them and will inherit the house, barely visited him in the hospital. My other brother only went because I drove him. When my dad went to a medical rehab facility, neither visited. Neither went to a single appointment. I did. And apparently because I was so good at it, they trust me to keep doing it until the end.

For some context, my parents were neglectful and physically and emotionally abusive when we were growing up. They forgot to enroll me in school until the state intervened. One of my siblings slept on the floor throughout his childhood because they refused to buy him a bed. My father stole my car, sold it, and bought himself a new car the next day. I don’t think my mother could name a single teacher I had or school I attended.

And yet I spent most of my life making excuses for them, even when I was a child. For some reason, this conversation finally sent me over the edge.

I told my mom that what she’d said about the will hurt me. I also told her it was her responsibility to tell my brothers what they had decided. I wasn’t going to organize a family dinner or meeting so I could facilitate that conversation for them too.

And, because apparently this conversation wasn’t bizarre enough, she told me all of this while I was driving her to visit extended family.

Afterward, she looked at me and said I looked so run down that she thought I might have cancer and was refusing to tell them. Apparently my dad and oldest brother have been discussing the possibility that I have cervical cancer because I “look like shit.” I do not have cancer.

Then she laughed.

I genuinely don’t know what I’m supposed to feel at this point. I’m hurt by the inheritance, yes, but I think I’m more hurt by what it revealed about how my family sees me. My brothers get the tangible things, and I get entrusted with the responsibility of caring for the people who hurt me because I’m the one who can handle it.

I can’t have a normal conversation about any of this with my family because everyone is so emotionally unstable, so outside perspective is welcome. How would you handle this? Am I wrong for feeling like something in me has fundamentally changed after this conversation?

It’s not about the money. But I think that’s all they will see if I’m upset by this.

TL;DR: My parents finalized their wills. One brother gets their house and everything in it, the other gets their money, life insurance, and retirement funds, and I get nothing financially but was named to make their medical decisions.

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[u/s-nicolexo]

Tell them if they want to leave all their possessions to your siblings then they can leave their medical proxy to them as well, and cut ties. I’m sorry, that’s awful.

[u/Quizleteer → u/s-nicolexo]

This. The family will feel it swiftly and intensely if OP decides to walk away. They might change their tune, they might not. But in any case, life can only get better for her moving on without them. I hope she’s able to cut ties and invest her energy towards herself.

[u/last_rights → u/Quizleteer]

"I'm sorry, but at this time I need space to focus on myself and my career. Knowing that I have nothing to fall back on except myself has made it clear that I need to work hard to save for my own retirement. With this decision I will be unable to participate in family functions or assist with day to day activities or medical care. I hope that brother A or brother B will be able to better serve you for the foreseeable future."

[u/alt-box → u/last_rights]

Could even throw in a "Thank you for letting me know so that I can plan for my future" or similar. Can't be ungrateful if there's a "thank you" in there

[u/Present_Specific_212 → u/alt-box]

We all know they are doing this to her because she is the female in the family.

[u/Bitter-insides → u/Present_Specific_212]

10000% my mom did this to me. Exactly OPs story. I was the call for everything fix all of her issues. Including flying to her 2200 miles away or meeting her in another country but she has her will to my brother and the houses to my other siblings but she wanted me to buy the house and fix it for free. I ended up going low contact and hanging all her medical stuff for her to deal with.

[u/peachesfordinner → u/Bitter-insides]

I'm glad you were able to get away from that

[u/rubbertreeparent → u/last_rights]

Oh man, all the upvotes. This is bang on.

[u/last_rights → u/rubbertreeparent]

I've gotten quite good at establishing boundaries that my parents like to ignore and pout about. Buuut faaamilyyy!

I'm still working on my response for if my daughter can spend the night at their house. Frankly I don't trust them because they are anti doctor and anti science, and pro "my dandelion and honey tincture is curing my Thyroid Eye Disease" and pro current administration and like Meegan, I'm over it.

[u/boundaries4546 → u/last_rights]

“We have decided as a family we will not be doing sleepovers. You can have a late over”.

Lateover: little one comes in pajamas they watch a movie have some popcorn. She stays a bit later, but you pick her up to take her to bed.

[u/desiladygamer84 → u/boundaries4546]

You genius.

[u/AikoJewel → u/last_rights]

"BUT MEEGAN!" ❤️love that key and peele skit

[u/jade_lily → u/last_rights]

THIS is the right answer.

Don’t let them take any more from you. It sounds like they have taken enough from you. Time to draw the line.

[u/PeppermintTeaLady → u/last_rights]

I-statements are so important OP. It’s time to focus on you and your life. Good luck navigating the conversations to come, stay strong. And value yourself 🫂

[u/SpaceNovice → u/last_rights]

Agreed. Being a carer means taking a financial hit. And they're leaving no money to reduce that financial hit. If OP got injured taking care of her parents, there'd be no money coming her way. They'd just cut her off entirely once she's no longer useful to them.

[u/Bright-Dinner-5978 → u/last_rights]

This is perfect. I'd copy it and write a letter if they're old school, an email, or by phone. I would just read it word for word and then hang up. Also, as a child that was left nothing and also grew up in an abusive household, you have every right to be offended. I didn't speak to my father the last 2 years that he was alive and he never bothered to contact me. When I found out that he had left me nothing I was not shocked and I said to myself, you were just as big of an asshole when you were dying as you were when you were healthy. I thought I'd feel some kind of regret about not being able to say goodbye or make amends and all that crap, but honestly I don't feel bad at all. He put me through hell and he never didn't treat me like shit. In fact, nearly the entire family on his side treated me like crap because they hated my mother and I looked just like her, like that's somehow my fault. Live your life for yourself and let your brothers deal with your parents, you've dealt with them long enough.

[u/PrincipleFew462 → u/last_rights]

This is word for word what OP needs to send to her parents immediately.

[u/AnotherBogCryptid → u/Quizleteer]

Even if they change their tune at this point, they’ve just proven that they’re not trustworthy. I wouldn’t go back even if they told me I was in the will because I wouldn’t fucking believe them.

[u/ResourceOdd7346 → u/AnotherBogCryptid]

Agree. Even IF they change their tune… fuck that

[u/LambyGlow → u/s-nicolexo]

Resign as medical proxy immediately and let the brothers who inherited everything handle caregiving

[u/chaicoffeetime → u/LambyGlow]

This ^ I agree too. I’m sorry you went through so much with them, it’s awful. I hope you choose yourself and heal yourself, it’ll be hard to walk away but what do you have to loose? Your parents don’t genuinely seem to care, only that you do your duty as a daughter and take care of them. BS - let your oldest sibling.

[u/MonopolyMonet → u/LambyGlow]

I was going to add, I don’t think you can just assign someone medical decisions unless they agree also. So, unless you have signed a medical POA or similar, I am not sure you have to take responsibility anyway.

Check to see what the laws are in your state. I think this is easy to check and if it is the case that you don’t have any obligation, then you can make the choice about whether you want to say something or not. There is the option to just slowly back away and be ‘busy’.

Additionally, there is the possibility that you might encounter a situation where you make medical decisions but don’t have the authority to pay for care etc? It doesn’t make much sense to have one sibling making medical decisions, but not have the ability to cover the costs of such decisions and care? For example, what if one or both of your parents requires home health care or something that costs some money out-of-pocket, but your siblings disagreed (which would be a very strong likelihood)?

I’m sorry you are being treated so dismissively, and as if you’re expected to just do all this work for free, yet yield no benefits. It also seems misogynistic.

Trust your gut.

[u/sitka → u/MonopolyMonet]

This. I have medical proxy for my parents but this was something we discussed and I had to sign a legal document agreeing to it at a notary’s office. I’m not sure they can impose this on you without your consent.

[u/EsmeCoverHog → u/LambyGlow]

THIS

[u/Lopsided_Panic_1148 → u/LambyGlow]

And OP needs to find out who their attorney is so she can inform them, as well.

[u/labrujitabuena → u/LambyGlow]

Then go nc for the rest of their lives.

[u/Ok-Turnip-9035 → u/s-nicolexo]

You’re female so they expect you to do the medical thing

You have done right by them

If you were to cut them off tomorrow no one can side eye you

Let them figure it out with the two brothers

You organize everything I know what that’s like - send one last communication saying you will no longer have any communication with your family moving forward- they expect you to be the glue but this last move shows how they do not see you as a member of the family but as hired help there to keep the family on track - you don’t need that

Use the free time to discover what you like , travel solo enjoy your increased free time .. this is a huge weight off your shoulders

Quite frankly they whispered amongst themselves about you being ill but not because they care they just noticed you not meeting their beauty requirements

I’m sorry it also feels like you’re getting the shaft not because you’re the youngest but because you’re female - you don’t have to ask but daughter to daughter you know if you were a boy they’d figure out the inheritance across the three - same happened to me I was present for the inheritance discussion and my brother wasn’t - the way they took up for him justifying why he should get a larger piece of the pie despite not being present for anything of importance over decades …misogyny pops up when you least expect it - set your boundaries and be free of them you will truly feel lighter

[u/Lucyshnoosy → u/Ok-Turnip-9035]

I wholeheartedly agree with your comment, except for one minor point. They don’t see her as hired help, because hired helpers get paid. They see her as an unpaid drudge rather than a family member. Reminds me of Cinderella, actually.

[u/Lindenismean → u/Ok-Turnip-9035]

At least hired help gets paid, this is just free labor with a side of humiliation.

[u/Mirenithil → u/Lindenismean]

This. They see her not as a person but merely as a function, as an appliance that serves a role and nothing else.

[u/Bright-Dinner-5978 → u/Ok-Turnip-9035]

She should count up all the hours she's spent organizing everything over the years and send them a bill. They're treating her like a personal assistant and not a daughter. If the boys are inheriting everything then they should earn it by taking care of the parents.

[u/Dull_Basket8318 → u/Ok-Turnip-9035]

I walked away from the toxic. The final nail was that im not gay but desperate for love and i came out 28 years before that. I took care of my brother, house sat, gave up stuff and life. I am the one things landed on and i had to pay for being mmmpphd by grandfather. My dad still took care of his business and being beneficiary while he told me he kept an eye on him. No he got to get his inheritance while watching him from states away. He died. I got a 99$pair of diamond earrings that arent worth crap and they bought me a vcr when i took the carryable tv that was junk but friday nights grandma and i watched dallas. My brother got a car.

It will not get better. This is cause you are the girl and they cant even say nice things. My life has greatly improved. Let the golden child take the wheel. The one that barely visits yet goes on inlaw family vacation every summer. My mom had to start visiting him when it gets too long. My mom only visited when i escaped a abusive marriage cause it became public and was homeless. That just gave them trying to control my life.

[u/AerieTerrible3002 → u/Ok-Turnip-9035]

https://giphy.com/gifs/ftdF4ZkueWGHBYc4b5

[u/Better-Newspaper3603 → u/s-nicolexo]

Yes, OP. Listen to this. Don’t agree to sign for medical power of attorney.

[u/idontwearheels → u/s-nicolexo]

Yep. OP was abused by their parents for their entire life, dump them and get some serious therapy. No one deserves to be treated like that.

[u/Medium-Pilot6872 → u/s-nicolexo]

Honestly, I think OP should ask the hard questions - why are you give the financial benefits to the two siblings but nothing beneficial to me?
Ask again. If after two attempts the conversation goes awry, I would tell them that you’re going to be setting boundaries now and won’t be helping with medical decisions or organising family gatherings because you feel like your parents are playing favourites.

It doesn’t matter if they get upset thinking you care about the money OP. They need to know it’s not fair and it’s not right. In fact it’s bullshit.

[u/shangri-laschild → u/Medium-Pilot6872]

Also, if they don’t respect you or care about how you’re doing then it doesn’t matter if they’re going to be upset or think it’s all about the money. It doesn’t sound like there’s anything you can do to make them love you in the way they should so put boundaries in place and let them think what they want. You deserve better than this.

[u/preciousdivineenergy → u/s-nicolexo]

This. What the parents are saying is OP is supposed to care for them, but when they die, she's on her own. Inheritance is a form of care, and they are saying she does not get any care from them.

[u/GloriousApricot-5843 → u/preciousdivineenergy]

Yes, well put. It makes clear they don’t care for her. They haven’t even noticed all the care OP has been giving them over the years. They think that is a given.

[u/saltysweetbonbon → u/s-nicolexo]

Yep the oldest son gets the medical responsibilities as well. I’m sorry this is happening to OP. My mother was the oldest sibling but not the oldest son so her brother was the golden child. When my Opa (chauvinistic old Dutch man) died he left the majority to my older uncle even though my mother looked after him the entire last year of his life, driving four hours to another city every weekend. That still wasn’t enough for my older uncle, he threw a tantrum until he got almost everything and then cut off my mother and other uncle like they’d done him wrong. Mum had let him get away with it because she wanted to keep the family peace and the family split anyway. I grew up with my eldest uncles kids and was very close and have not seen them since. My point is, assholes will be assholes and don’t let people run roughshod over you or you’ll have as many regrets as my poor mum. I’m assuming OP is a woman* and it’s just expected she will do all the hard stuff while people treat her like shit, don’t let them OP.

* Yes I realise it’s not always a woman, I have a friend who’s the oldest boy in an Indian family and he is treated like shit like this. It does seem to happen more often to women though.

[u/res06myi → u/s-nicolexo]

Yep, zero contact, full stop, permanently. These people all need to be dead to OP.

[u/bog-bod → u/s-nicolexo]

THIS is the only way

[u/SamanathaTheGreat → u/s-nicolexo]

This is exactly what to do

[u/TerraByteTerror]

Laughing after that statement would be the final straw. Id cut ties. Let them handle their own decisions. Worked out wonderfully so far. Im sorry girly that's terrible 🫂

[u/WestPay12 → u/TerraByteTerror]

I'd honestly step down as the medical decision maker too. If they trust you that much, they should value you that much.

[u/CallMeSisyphus → u/WestPay12]

Or, just tell them, "remember, you get what you pay for", with lengthy eye contact.

Edit: Damn, y'all - I appreciate the appreciation, and I really hope those are all free awards: PLEASE don't waste your money on me!

[u/BufferingJuffy → u/CallMeSisyphus]

I asked the doctors about pulling the plug on my mom...when she was in pre-op...for a hip replacement...

She made my younger sister and my Ex-husband her Medical Proxy/POA. 😂

[u/CallMeSisyphus → u/BufferingJuffy]

Oh, you're my kind of people!

https://giphy.com/gifs/oWjyixDbWuAk8

[u/lostintransaltions → u/BufferingJuffy]

I am the medical proxy for my dad after he almost died due to sepsis and my brother who lives with him thought nothing was wrong but I who lives in a different country realized on a call that something was severely wrong and urged him to go to the ER. My brother convinced him to wait to the morning at which point I had to threaten to call the local police station to get an ambulance if they didn’t call one..

What my dad doesn’t know is that after he was picked up by the ambulance my brother was talking about sending him to a home.. my brother clearly wants the house and doesn’t even understand that if my dad goes into a home the house is sold to cover the costs…

I pay the mortgage but can’t afford mortgage and a decent facility for my dad while also paying my son’s apartment while my husband is in medical school.

Neither my brother nor I are in the will.. in my home country legally the children each get 10% but we signed that away 10 years ago when it looked like my dad wouldn’t live much longer so that my mom wouldn’t have to sell the house to pay my brother out (he was unemployed at the time and wouldn’t get social welfare if he was owed 10% of a house).. well my mom passed away instead within 2 months of us visiting the lawyer..

I know my dad has a will but not sure if he put us in or not… it’s his decision.. big difference between OP and me is that my parents were good ppl and helped me a lot when I had my son during college.

OP should go no contact .. not just for the will but the absolute disrespect her mother showed with the cancer comment and following laughter

[u/SexyWish → u/WestPay12]

Honestly, I’d step back from the caretaker role. Being the responsible child shouldn’t mean inheriting all the responsibility.

[u/sugarbabyvi → u/SexyWish]

At some point you have to stop being the family’s safety net, especially when they keep taking you for granted

[u/AutisticTumourGirl → u/SexyWish]

I'd step back as a family member. Nobody needs to spend their life being a gopher for people who apparently don't even like them, much less love them and value them as a family member.

[u/arianrhodd → u/WestPay12]

Yep. Just because they’ve designated that to her doesn’t mean she has to do it.

They’re giving OP all the tough emotional labor and administrative tasks and … nothing else.

OP, stop being the “good daughter” and step away. Let those who are being gifted the material assets earn them.

[u/Dangerous_Ant3260 → u/arianrhodd]

I agree. No medical proxy, no rides, no going to medical appointments, no arranging anything for any of them. If they go ahead with the medical proxy, and you get a phone call, tell that person to stop bothering you.

You owe them nothing.

[u/TitanAME → u/WestPay12]

OP wasn’t consulted before being designated but there’s nothing obligating OP to take the role. Let one of the compensated siblings handle and if the parents didn’t name a backup the state can handle (they should know how well that will go based on their handling of school enrollment…)

[u/MaidOfTwigs → u/TitanAME]

Or let the parents spend some of her one brother’s redoing the will. Lol.

[u/terrierhead → u/WestPay12]

Please don’t keep the responsibility of making your parents’ medical decisions. It’s a ton of stress on behalf of people who don’t value you.

I’m so sorry it has come to this. The best thing to do is to walk away. 🫂

[u/FightClubAlumni → u/TerraByteTerror]

If they see you as unvaluable, then let them value the 2 they left things for.I am sure they would love to make the medical decisions and take them to appts. Remove yourself from the equation.

[u/auntieup → u/TerraByteTerror]

This. Cut them off immediately. Their chosen heirs can take it from here.

[u/Ok-Sell5724 → u/auntieup]

The sad part is, they won't. They'll probably put them in a nursing home and never visit.

[u/oogabooga1967 → u/Ok-Sell5724]

And that is no longer your problem.

[u/Thermodynamo → u/Ok-Sell5724]

Is that sad? They deprived their own child of a bed to sleep on and didn't bother to enroll OP in school. I'm fresh out of sympathy.

[u/Revolutionary-Yak-47 → u/Ok-Sell5724]

If its the US, the siblings are in for a rude awakening if they do this. Insurance and Medicare dont cover long term care. Medicaid does. You have to be without assets to get it, so you have to sell the elderly persons house, use that to pay for the nursing home then it kicks in. And there is a "look back period" in most states. The other siblings cant get the house signed over and ditch them, the state will seize the house lol. 

[u/Worldly_Skin335 → u/TerraByteTerror]

This is it. Completely cut them out.

This is so horrific I hope it's fake 😭

[u/neeroberts → u/TerraByteTerror]

Yep. I might have thought about pulling over and calling her an Uber.
Family stuff is hard when they treat you badly.

[u/Quiet_Jump_6383]

I assume you come from a culture where men are valued over women, hence the Will. 

Cut ties for a while.  Decide what you want in life.  Focus on you.  

[u/FormalFun9414 → u/Quiet_Jump_6383]

Sure do. And I’ll try.

[u/Effective_Fuel_633 → u/FormalFun9414]

They say you look like shit because they are the sucking the life out of you. If you cut ties with them I think you will look amazing in less than a month.

[u/Hour_Aardvark751 → u/Effective_Fuel_633]

This, OP. They are stealing your vitality without a second thought. Emotional vampires, the lot of them.

[u/Nugginater → u/Effective_Fuel_633]

I call these people psychic vampires. And I agree, ditch the leeches.

[u/Old-Parking8765 → u/FormalFun9414]

Rooting for you

[u/FL1ghtlesswaterfowl → u/FormalFun9414]

I hope you will, OP. Because you get to focus on you.
It can uncomfortable choosing oneself over parents, but it can be done.
I grew up in the Southeastern US, 4 older brothers and a double standard. They got one thing because they were boys- girls just had to accept it.
Oh, my family cannot keep their mouths shut for anything. Yet somehow, I wasn’t told until after both mom & dad were gone that I was removed from the will.

You’ve got this girl

[u/GreyWind92 → u/FormalFun9414]

Hi, I also come from a similar culture. I cut my parents off. My mental health has never been better. PLEASE, if you're able, start living your life FOR YOU. You've spent too many years worrying about others who don't even give a shit about you!

[u/snertwith2ls → u/FormalFun9414]

You might also casually mention that if it comes down to it, since you get nothing but the problems, you really have no reason to keep them living and might decide to pull the plug just to get it over with. Joking not joking..

[u/MidwestNormal → u/FormalFun9414]

It will initially be very hard to cut ties - you’ll feel guilt, etc. But each day will be a bit better than the last, and in this you’ll find a tremendous weight lifting from you. Ultimately, in hindsight, you’ll recognize the manipulation that put you in this spot and how you became normalized to the treatment. Go forth, become your true self, and leave your parents to live with the consequences of their decisions. DON’T apologize or allow yourself to be dragged back! Good Luck! updateme

[u/tashat1988 → u/FormalFun9414]

Also - if you have the name of their lawyer, give them a call, too, and make it very clear you do not consent to make medical decisions for your parents and that the lawyer and your parents need to reassign those responsibilities tout de suit.

Sorry you’re dealing with all this 🩷

[u/blutlm → u/Quiet_Jump_6383]

This makes big sense as to what their logic is. Give the money to the men and give the responsibility and caregiver roll to the woman. edit: NOT SAYING THIS IS OK THO

[u/Basic_User_Name3000 → u/Quiet_Jump_6383]

I wanted to ask OP this. Just know, going no contact in this family will be tough. Esp if you are an immigrant. You will be villainized.
But, aside from the inheritance the fact that your exhaustion was coded as “maybe you have cancer, you look awful” is telling on your siblings too.
Perhaps, you can find a way to disconnect without officially saying it? Move. Grad school? Anything.
Then, can you remove the power of medical administration? Or whatever that is?

[u/Revolutionary-Yak-47 → u/Basic_User_Name3000]

OP doesnt have to do anything about the medical thing. She can simply refuse to be their proxy. All she has to do is tell the hospital she wont be involved in their care and stick to that. Dont take their calls, dont visit. The hospital can't force her to make those decisions. 

[u/Appropriate_Goat7613]

It may seem retaliatory but I would go low/no contact. They don't seem to treat you well and they aren't willing to give you anything while expecting you to make medical decisions for them. I would tell them to give that responsibility to your older brother since they trust him enough to will him the house and other assets.

Also, not sure if they realized this but by willing you nothing, they open the will up to be contested at the time unless they explicit give you something even as small as a dollar.

[u/whichwitch9 → u/Appropriate_Goat7613]

Eh, I wouldn't say anything about that last part, but if I were OP, I would quietly plan to contest it when they pass.

After this, their wishes can go to hell with them.

[u/Appropriate_Goat7613 → u/whichwitch9]

Yeah, I wouldn't mention it but it leaves OP with a plan for later.

[u/bay-biscuit → u/whichwitch9]

Not as easy as it sounds. To contest a will you have to have proof that they were not in their “right minds” when it was drawn up. You can’t just contest because it’s unfair.

[u/allthisandlovetoo → u/bay-biscuit]

Not necessarily - in some jurisdictions you can challenge on the basis that the parents failed to provide for you as their kid. Obviously your mileage may vary, check the rules in your particular jurisdiction, etc, but sometimes the courts can be pretty keen to make sure estates are doled out fairly

[u/Paper__ → u/allthisandlovetoo]

This is how it is in Canada. We recently just had a case in BC that awarded more inheritance to the daughter after a will gave the majority of the estate to the son. And in this case, the daughter still received some inheritance.

People think you can just will whatever you want however you want and it’s the executor role to ensure your wishes are met. But the reality is that there are inheritance laws, and the executor role is to ensure that the laws are met, not the will’s wishes.

[u/allthisandlovetoo → u/Paper__]

Yes, similar in New Zealand, although recent cases have weakened that position to some degree. Still, you can’t just cut someone out wholesale on the basis of, like… vibes.

[u/youcanthavemynam3 → u/allthisandlovetoo]

I had family contest, and win, based on labor and resources expended to support the person, too.

[u/NotARobotDefACyborg → u/bay-biscuit]

Or because the writers of said will are sexist, uncaring, abusive assholes who have mistreated OP all of her life.

[u/MOGicantbewitty → u/bay-biscuit]

Not being of sound mind is only one reason why a will can successfully be contested. I say successfully because you can contest a will for any reason. Literally. You can file the paperwork to contest it for absolutely any reason at all. You just might not win the case. It might get dismissed early if the reason is clearly insufficient. But you can contest it.

The core point of your comment is also mistaken. You can contest a will in the US for a variety of reasons including a lack of testamentary capacity, undue influence, fraud and improper execution.

https://www.westernsouthern.com/retirement/contesting-a-will

Because it is so uncommon to disinherit a child, it's always best to state it in the will explicitly. The law also allows the courts to change legal documents due to scriveners errors, commonly known as typos. It's easy for a child to contest the will and make the argument that they were excluded due to a scrivener's error if the will doesn't explicitly state that they are disinherited. Giving them $1 makes it clear that is was not a scrivener's error, but rather intentional.

https://hammerle.com/blog/disinheriting-a-child/

Edit: I'll add that scrivener's errors are a worldwide concept. So regardless of Op's location, leaving her name out of the will opens the door to argue it was a typo. But I was really just focused on responding to the comment saying that the only way to contest a will is to prove someone was not of sound mind.

[u/Live_Angle4621 → u/MOGicantbewitty]

I don’t know if op is from US. She said in comment she is from culture where boys are more valued at least 

[u/MOGicantbewitty → u/Live_Angle4621]

Yeah, I'm not sure what the law is in OP's jurisdiction, but the concept of scrivener's errors is worldwide. We all know typos. I was mostly responding to the comment which sounded US based but it's an easy argument to say the attorney just didn't write one name.

[u/KalikaSparks → u/Appropriate_Goat7613]

My grandparents cut my mother out of their will without informing her, despite being the one to keep their farm operating and taking care of each of them until the end—the other 3 siblings didn’t even visit once a year and got equal shares of everything between them. She tried to contest it, and was told she didn’t have a case.

[u/Cold-Response-4990 → u/KalikaSparks]

This truly flabbergasts me. Why do people do this?

[u/GloriousApricot-5843 → u/Cold-Response-4990]

Because they are despicable immature human beings

[u/Life_Beautiful4934 → u/KalikaSparks]

My great grandma, her two sisters and their baby brother had to sign off on not getting anything for their family farm. It went to the oldest boy (third born). The youngest sister was salty about it even into her 90s. Her in-laws had also screwed her and her husband. They gave everything to their daughter and her husband.

Families can really suck.

[u/_delicja_]

Nothing feels better than leaving this shit behind and taking a deep breath in peace. Nothing.

[u/Euphoric-Proposal-42 → u/_delicja_]

💯

[u/justhereforabit2000 → u/_delicja_]

Seriously, I agree. OP, my mom was (and continues to be to the rest of my family) massively emotionally abusive and manipulative. She physically abused me through medication manipulation when I was a teen and I ended up with CPTSD from everything, and I'm willing to bet you have that too. Get out and take care of yourself. They are your parents, but they do NOT love you. This is NOT what any kind of love looks like, just abuse and using you. Cutting off my mom was one of the best things I've ever done, and actually decreased my nightmares.

You have already tried so hard and taken care of them so much. If they STILL treat you like this, then they are garbage people. AND YOU DESERVE BETTER. Exit the situation and get some help to care for yourself. You have been through the wringer, and deserve rest and love.

[u/Ornery_Donkey_7156]

Tell her if you're their medical proxy you'll be pulling the plug at the first opportunity. And then go find a good therapist who deals with trauma and addiction to help you separate from them completely because they aren't worth your time.

[u/WestPay12 → u/Ornery_Donkey_7156]

The cancer comment would've hurt me more than the will. That was just cruel for no reason.

[u/RazzSheri → u/WestPay12]

I would have straight up said- the only “cancer” I have in my life is the two of you, at the moment.

[u/FormalFun9414 → u/RazzSheri]

Ah Damn. If I could go back a week to say this it would have been perfect!

[u/stonergirl216 → u/FormalFun9414]

The irony of her saying you look run down is that they’re the ones running you down 😑

[u/KoolaidKoll123 → u/stonergirl216]

Oh, they know it. These kinda people get glory and giggles from tearing others down, especially those who show them unrelenting devotion, which from OPs comments seems like it's the case.

[u/MaidOfTwigs → u/FormalFun9414]

May I also advise the cervical cancer part is especially weird? Are they concerned about your cervix or about you having cancer? Where did that come from?

[u/blackdragonwingz → u/MaidOfTwigs]

It feels misogynistic.

[u/No-Kaleidoscope-166 → u/MaidOfTwigs]

I thought that was oddly specific.

[u/EnvironmentalPut9373 → u/MaidOfTwigs]

very sus

[u/ecooleye → u/MaidOfTwigs]

I felt like it was double edged and also aimed at OP not being married and having kids for them by now/about concern for how it affects them if OP’s appeal to potential spouses is reduced by being unable to have children. But maybe I’m too jaded by their actions already.

Edited to fix typos.

[u/FightClubAlumni → u/WestPay12]

Anytime they asked me to take them anywhere, I would say "NO, I have radiation/chemo treatments"....I can't.

[u/Old-Parking8765 → u/FightClubAlumni]

This is perfect!

[u/Thermodynamo → u/WestPay12]

It was an intentional attack

[u/aggie82005 → u/Ornery_Donkey_7156]

Or, hear me out, draw it out as long as possible if she detests her brothers. First, the liquid assets get used up the longer they live. Then if Medicaid gets involved the house might have to be sold when it tries to recover costs. Elder care is expensive and she could bankrupt the estate. Then all the kids end up with the same thing - nothing. That might not be worth her mental health though.

[u/SaltGoat7120]

not to tell you what to do, and feel free to ignore me.

I think you need to remove yourself from the situation, they are all using you and your parents are clearly not good people. Maybe you can get back in contact with your brothers at some point. Removing you from the will, feels a lot like removing someone from a family. I would be upset too.

You can still talk to your parents, but don't be a wrangler for them. If they need help, one of your siblings can do it, or they can hire someone. I'm a blunt person though, so this is what I would do in your situation. Hope the food is good, girl!

https://giphy.com/gifs/12XDYvMJNcmLgQ

[u/redrosebeetle → u/SaltGoat7120]

My situation isn't exactly the same as the OP's, but I scaled my relationship with my grandmother way back when I found out that she was leaving 75% of her estate to her son who she saw for 4 days maybe once a year or once every other year and only called three times a year, 25% to the aunt who took care of her nearly daily and nothing for me (my mother predeceased my grandmother by about 10 years). Sure, it's her stuff and she can do with it what she wants, but grandma's clearly making a statement there.

I went from weekly calls and bi-annual visits to monthly calls and visiting maybe once a year. To be clear, I wasn't keeping in contact hoping for a pay off, but the lack of recognition just didn't do it for me.

[u/SaltGoat7120 → u/redrosebeetle]

Bless your mother, I hope she knows she did good things, even if they weren't appreciated!

[u/Interesting_Foot_105]

So you’re the only daughter? They’re leaving you as their medical advocates but the men with the tangible assets?

[u/FormalFun9414 → u/Interesting_Foot_105]

Correct.

[u/JamboreeJunket → u/FormalFun9414]

girl, run. they do not love pr respect you

[u/keelhaulrose → u/FormalFun9414]

They can name you medical proxy, they can't force you to do the role.

You do not owe your parents your labor.

[u/pandapandamoniumm → u/FormalFun9414]

Are you sure they aren’t playing some kind of messed up game with you? Based on the other stories you told, they seem like the type of people who might jerk you around about this “just to see what you would do”, and for some dumb reason like one of their friends made a joke about how you’re only helping so much because you want their money. Or because a friend of a friend had it happen to them or some other dumb reason.

It’s not worth your time or energy regardless, but you have plenty of people jumping to tell you to cut ties so I wanted to give a different angle.

[u/Relative_Presence742]

You need to cut ties. What they are wanting to leave to you is pretty much self explanatory of the significance of your relationship with them. You don’t have someone who cares about you. You are on your own. My husband always tells me you can’t hope for what isn’t. 

I would also make it clear you will deny responsibility for caring for them. That’s your brothers job and I’d wipe my hands clean of this mess.

[u/Relative_Presence742 → u/Relative_Presence742]

Or take care of them and keep them living as long as possible until their bank acct says 0

[u/Designer-Feeling-987 → u/Relative_Presence742]

Wow! That’s hilariously petty! 🤣 Not saying it’s great advice, but it’s sure funny to think about. Also, it’s not like she’d be out any money. Although the time and effort she would have to put out probably wouldn’t be worth it. Still funny to think about though. 👍

[u/Relative_Presence742 → u/Designer-Feeling-987]

lol it would be a shocker to the brothers.

[u/redrosebeetle]

It's really telling that they thought you had a feminine form of cancer. It couldn't be a non-gender-specific form of cancer. It was cervical cancer. That you usually get from sexual contact. This feels like a round-about way of them calling you a .... well, you fill in the blanks. They didn't think that you had bowel cancer or lung cancer or pancreatic cancer.

To be clear, I don't think that anyone who gets or has cervical cancer is responsible for it, at all. It happens. But this feels really weirdly gendered.

[u/FormalFun9414 → u/redrosebeetle]

Omg, I did not think about it this way at all. This makes way more sense to me now. I did think it was weirdly specific, but my mother is generally weird, so I didn’t connect. But this is exactly what it is.

[u/cicada_noises → u/FormalFun9414]

It’s obvious that your parents never should have had any children, and they absolutely hate you as a person . But they know they can count on you to do the hard and responsible work that your brothers will not do, so why not punish you at the end of their lives by forcing you to take care of them (there’s no mechanism for them to actually force you, but they think you’re too much of a pushover to walk away). Prove them wrong. I’m so sorry.

[u/nutmegtell → u/FormalFun9414]

Also there are vaccinations for cervical cancer. If they didn’t get it for you, you can get it yourself.

[u/ThisIsProbablyOkay → u/FormalFun9414]

Friend, you said your parents were abusive when you were younger, but it's clear they are still abusive. They are emotionally abusing you by saying you aren't worth leaving their wealth to, but you are also the only one they feel will take care of them.

They don't care if they hurt you, because they think they can do what they want and you will feel obligated to take care of them either way.

[u/MuchInvestigator7011 → u/redrosebeetle]

Agreed… accusing someone of having cervical cancer is super weird

[u/poorlybaked → u/MuchInvestigator7011]

And so random. Is that even the most common cancer? I would’ve assumed lung or colon cancer would be the most common kind of cancer. Maybe skin cancer?

[u/drumallday → u/redrosebeetle]

As someone who had pancreatic cancer, I assure you people still blame me for my cancer

[u/redrosebeetle → u/drumallday]

I am incredibly sorry that you have to go through that.

[u/LonelyInstruction874]

I'm so sorry, though I'm glad you found out now. I would cut them off personally, and I would also tell them exactly why: " You are telling my brothers you love them by putting them in the will and telling me you don't. Please change the will again and put one of my brothers on there to make your medical decisions, as I am out now." Many of us have been the "good" child chasing the love we were never going to get for years.

[u/thespicygrits → u/LonelyInstruction874]

Totally agree and OP if you aren’t going to get love from your family remember you can give love to yourself by prioritizing what YOU want from life!

[u/Old-Parking8765 → u/LonelyInstruction874]

On point

[u/Thermodynamo → u/LonelyInstruction874]

Oh I wouldn't go back just because they change the will. Good riddance to them

[u/beatl394]

Telling you they didn’t leave you anything because they thought you might have cancer and then laughing is absolutely bizarre. I would heavily consider declining the healthcare POA (idk if you can?), ditching the road trip tradition, ditching the chauffeur job you’re doing for free… and pouring your time and energy into people that value you. I know it’s so complicated to feel upset about what you are or aren’t being left, because there’s always someone who wants to act like you’re greedy and just want money and things… but in this case you’re 100% justified to feel taken advantage of and unappreciated.

Better to find this out now than have it be a blindside after they pass, I guess?

[u/doryfishie → u/beatl394]

So in my state the parents couldn’t just designate OP their healthcare POA. OP would have to sign the documents in front of a notary. That is to say, I’m hoping it’s the same in OP’s state so that they can’t just be saddled with the responsibility against their will.

[u/thegloracle → u/doryfishie]

The OP has made comments implying they don't live in the USA. But it may be similar in her country.

[u/Dull_Dark_899]

Respectfully, you may want to research codependency. Go find your happiness and ditch your looser family.

[u/FormalFun9414 → u/Dull_Dark_899]

Oh I’m well aware of my codependency issues. I’m paying my therapist a lot of money to help me work on it.

[u/Worldly-Ad1718 → u/FormalFun9414]

great opportunity now to work on it

[u/Antique-Blueberry-13 → u/FormalFun9414]

It’s hard to work on it if you’re still in contact with the other party.

[u/Jehphg → u/FormalFun9414]

girly, life threw you the perfect opportunity to actually deal with it, by going no contact with the whole family (including extended family by the way you talked about them), go be happy, block everyone's number. Fuck them, you owe them nothing

[u/Impressive-Hair2704 → u/FormalFun9414]

If I were you I’d make sure to have my own will drawn up so that they can’t inherit anything if they were to outlive you.

[u/SpillThatTea2Me]

Money is how we quantify value in our culture, and your family just told you you had none. In fact, you have negative value, because you are expected to labor for nothing. It’s a pretty stunning bit of information that you cannot ignore.

[u/Usual-Preference-573]

I think you need therapy to understand why you stay close to people who don’t give you back the love you deserve. I’m sorry this situation sucks and isn’t right and it’s actually quite horrific how you are being treated.

[u/Ewww___David → u/Usual-Preference-573]

I agree

[u/dream-smasher]

You deserve better than that.

To be blunt: your parents are shitcunts, and you shouldn't waste one more second of time on them.

Unfortunately, I don't think it will be that easy for you.

When I heard this quote, I loved it: put parents are so good at pushing our buttons because they installed them.

And that is why, even tho your parents do not deserve ANYTHING that you do for them but you still do it anyway, and run yourself down to do it.

Another thing that really changed my way of thinking: regardless if you want kids or not, but image you having a baby, loving it etc etc etc, and then doing everything to that baby that your parents did.

It's monstrous, isn't it. But they did all that to you.

It's time to step back and take care of yourself. Drop the rope.

[u/radiowavebookworm → u/dream-smasher]

Exactly! This is so well said and OP, I hope you can cut ties and find some peace. If they say it’s about the money, sure, let them think what they will. Who cares, it’s not like they’re going to take the money and leave you only responsibility…oh wait…

What they think about you doesn’t matter. Seriously. They’re not going to treat you like a human just because they think better about you for playing along with this crap. They’re still going to laugh at the idea of you having cancer and make you take all of their abuse while doing all of the hard work.

In all seriousness, I cut my parents off. Sometimes I’ll speak to my Mom but the minute she starts on her crap I’m out again. The guilt fades very quickly. Boundaries apply to family too and you have to maintain your peace and dignity. Nobody else is allowed to beat you up like your parents do, so why are they? You’re a self sufficient adult and deserve respect. You have power now that you didn’t as a child at their mercy. Do your younger a favor and save your current and future self from the abuse. I’m very very sorry you have crappy parents. It sucks.

[u/winterchestnuts]

This is your sign to leave and cut contact with everyone.

If they want to make it about the money, let them. You must put yourself first, because no one in your family will take care of you. If they try to say they’ll amend the will so you can take care of them, don’t believe them - they can say one thing and cheat you out after.

[u/julesk]

Wow. I’d go very low contact after texting your parents, ‘You neglected me as a child, Dad stole my car and you’ve never apologized or tried to be kinder. From now on your sons can deal with all organizing, transportation and medical appointments because you chose them. I’m done with being insulted about my appearance and expected to do most of what you need while receiving no kindness or appreciation. The last straw was laughing at the prospect of me likely having cancer while cheerfully telling me I’m in charge of your medical needs but am inheriting absolutely nothing. I am not your servant.’

[u/Aggravating_Baker557]

Opt out. Just tell them you won’t do it.

Go live life for yourself. These people are horrible.

Enjoy your dinner and your peace.

[u/pinap45454]

The gift is that they gave you this information now. I would end the relationship. They are free to do whatever they want with their money but I would not be managing the medical care or begging for a relationship from people that valued me so little.

[u/SewNewKnitsToo → u/pinap45454]

Yes, OP - and if they call you for something, feel free to be busy because you realized you won’t be able to retire without a second job. So sorry, so busy . . . Almost like women also need money to survive, not just favoured sons.

[u/Adorable-Ad201]

You do not have to speak to any of these people ever again.

[u/Unusual-Falcon1082 → u/[deleted]]

This, unfortunately. OP found out about the will but still drove her mom to her extended family’s home.

[u/Thermodynamo → u/Unusual-Falcon1082]

Except they were already en route when she learned about it in the car on the way, so this criticism is quite unfair

[u/Squirrell614 → u/[deleted]]

I believe OP found out WHILE driving Mom to visit relatives. Not sure it's still going on.

[u/Unusual-Falcon1082 → u/Squirrell614]

Oh damn, I reread and I think you’re right. Holy shit, how callous does a parent have to be to 1.) Say she gets nothing in the will but is responsible for their care and 2.) Laugh at the idea of her daughter potentially having cervical cancer.

[u/CriedthenMealPrepped]

Pull the plug even if it’s just a hangnail

[u/thegloracle → u/CriedthenMealPrepped]

10/10. No notes.

[u/BubbleCrum]

Tell her no. No, you will not be responsible for their medical shit. Period.

[u/Quiet-Astronaut9329]

My role in my family was alike. Once, my mother told me i do nothing . I said ok, we'll see how much nothing I do,and I stopped. Stopped helping with her house I didnt live in, stopped making dinners I didnt eat, stopped driving all of them to appointments, and more. It took all of 2 weeks for her to come to me in tears , begging for my help, bc she couldn't do it anymore.

That was long ago. I went another 10 or 15 years. Its now been over a year since we spoke.

[u/Thermodynamo → u/Quiet-Astronaut9329]

Good for you. I'm sorry you had to go through that though.

[u/manicpixie_dreamgal]

If you are in the US, you have the right to refuse medical power of attorney. I would not take on the weight of that responsibility with what you’ve described here.

Sending you hugs. You deserved better from the people who were supposed to protect you. I hope you’ve found that support in other places in your life ♥️

[u/bebetaian]

so they wanna saddle you with all the "traditional Girl Stuff" of being their caretaker and nurse, but don't wanna give you any of the inheritance. Only the guys do. But they don't have to do any girly cleaning or nursing stuff.

yeah, nah.

[u/Nothankyoufriendly]

Something somewhat similar happened in my family and it spiraled out so badly that there were multiple police interventions, court cases and fractured relationships worse than before.
The one who got everything (a spoiled
Asshole his whole life) blew through it, was cruel and abusive to everyone and ended up drunk driving and killing an older couple
On their honeymoon.

I specifically stated that I want my and my kids names on NOTHING and leave me out of it. I started telling people that when I was a teenager, because I knew the dysfunctional family would blow up. Then it did and now it’s continuing through to other family members who are doing the same toxic stuff.

I was very clear not to expect me to be around and don’t include me in any will, because I’m not about to have it used as control.

I have since gone no contact with all of them.
But removing myself from anything end of life or will related was crucial for my peace at the very least.

[u/Cinnamon2017]

Um no. Didn't enroll me in school? Stole my car and sold it? I'd be done with these abusers.

[u/persimmon9847]

You're their emotional punching bag and that will not change until you remove yourself from these situations.

[u/ShelbyCobra_90]

So they’ve never deserved any of the effort and grace you’ve given them and they’ve taken advantage of your family loyalty. And now they are so confident in being able to use and abuse you, the are telling you point black that all of the responsibility is on you, all the rewards go to the boys and you should be grateful for being screwed.

You tell those monsters that they should really enjoy their sons because they don’t have a daughter anymore. They can pretend you died of cancer if they want. They are your cancer and you need to cut them out.

Say that they’d better take you off any paperwork because you won’t be lifting another finger for them while they are alive and that your brothers can send you a time and place for the funerals and you’ll consider showing up.

Tell them in no uncertain terms that no matter how sick they are at the end of life, they will be relying on their sons. That they have more than made their own bed and you will no longer sacrifice yourself to those leeches.

[u/unfazed-by-details]

I’m so sorry that you are dealing with this. And I know it’s not the inheritance. Before you even got to the point of sharing that they have been abusive when you were growing up, I knew they were.

I grew up with similar parents. I think that when you become an adult the abuse doesn’t go away, it changes and sometimes it becomes harder to spot yourself, but they play on guilt and shame.

When my father passed away, my mother tried to add me to financial accounts, I think it was a way of controlling and binding me to her so that I could never leave (I did not live with her). My brother was heaped with praise and did absolutely nothing for my parents. Like you, I was the one that took my parents places did doctors appointments showed up.

I can’t tell you what to do, but I can tell you what I did and how it worked out. I went into therapy, and I told my mother to not add me to any type of account whatsoever, and I didn’t want to be in her will at all. She kept up with her awful behavior, and I went no contact. That was in 1997.

I am so grateful to my past self for making that difficult decision. I’m not going to say it’s easy, and everything was perfect. I lost some family members, I think the ones that just wanted me to shut up and keep doing all the work of taking care of things. I got the time and space to heal. I didn’t stay married, but I did get to break the cycle and raise two beautiful girls who are now young adults, and we are close.

That was almost 30 years ago and the only regret I have is that I didn’t do it sooner.

Only you know what’s right for you, but I would really encourage you to get therapy and figure out what you need to live your life.

[u/thegloracle → u/unfazed-by-details]

This is an especially thoughtful comment as you have the lived experience that OP can relate to.
Congrats also on breaking the cycle - that's so wonderful for you and your kids.

[u/JustGhostyThings]

Stop.

Stop everything.

No family dinners. No medical care. Have them remove you from the will altogether- they’re trying to legally trap you into being their caretaker while they leave you penniless.

[u/pineboxwaiting]

I would check out.

Tell your mother that you’re not willing to be their medical power of attorney. Then tell her that you are resigning from your family responsibilities because your parents don’t value your contributions.

They don’t even care enough about you to TALK to you when they think you have cancer.

And then you have to stop.

No. You’re not taking them to the doctor. No. You’re not making dinner. No. You’re not coordinating anything.

You’re happy to show up, but you’re done doing the work.

The follow through is on you.

[u/Ewww___David]

You should leave her at the extended family’s and tell her to find her own way home!!

OP. They are abusing your free labor because you are the girl. You truly do not owe them anything. You should go no contact for your own sanity. And because nobody deserves your free labor!! 

[u/moth-peach]

https://giphy.com/gifs/IRW8B0iEtV9d5Dycs5

[u/edgeoftheatlas]

"I'm not handling your medical paperwork and appointments anymore. I'm not driving you around anymore. I'm not going to be your secretary anymore. Make my brothers do it; you're actually paying them."

They were never nice to you. Stop being nice to them. You probably look exhausting because being around them is unpaid labor and unnecessary stress.

[u/Fluffy-luna2022]

Girly it seems like you forgot the word “No”

[u/MiserablePrior2213]

Oh honey you deserve a big hug

[u/Kb111222]

I would go no contact. That’s not family.

[u/CtrlAltDelight495]

I'm in a similar situation with mine: I'm the only responsible one and the only one the trust to execute their wishes so I have to sort out any medical decisions and clearing/distributing their belongings. I'm low contact with both. They're divorced. It's very strange they're both dealing with it the same way.

I'm reading people's comments on here in case they help me. As it stands, I've known their wishes for years and I still figure I'll do what I feel is right at the time which may well be the one going through their belongings because it's good for me and my grieving process. I expect I'll also find it easier to be ruthless with the right stuff and get back things they've likely stolen from me over the years. I'm hoping to brings closure but if it doesn't I'm also fine with noping out.

[u/Current-Anybody9331]

Oh man. Of course you weren't doing thos for an inheritance but, to your point, its very telling about who they value.

I'd take several steps back. Like, all the steps. You have no obligation to care for your parents. With or without inheritance. Its simply not a child's job to do this. But not only were you neglected in your youth, but you've been volunteered to handle medical decisions without a discussion. I'd tell your parents that you are unwilling to serve in this capacity, that they need to assign someone else, and stop being their gofer. Stop driving them on road trips unless you actually want to go. Stop organizing family dinners and holidays. Focus on you and your life.

[u/flesh-gundam]

Yes they will see it as you caring about money if you step back. And so what? These people don’t care about you, never did, they only engage with you when they need you to do something and will never self reflect and see what they’ve done wrong towards you for your entire life. I know it’s hard because it’s your parents but these people suck and their opinion of you means nothing.

I think your sibling that went no contact had the right idea. If you have a decent relationship with them, you may want to lean on them a bit here if you go no contact. You will grieve the relationship you had always hoped to have with them like they’re already dead but you can’t acts-of-service yourself into love and respect from people like them, you’ll just burn yourself out for nothing.

[u/i_think_idk]

ASK FOR YOUR SHARE

[u/witchspoon]

Also after they die seriously consider contesting the will. ( if that’s something you have the bandwidth to do)

Oldest brother will likely make more bad financial choices and lose the house. The other brother will get life changing money and you get…guilt?

Sorry i don’t wish the best for your parents.

[u/Mindless_Day3349]

Everyone is suggesting to cut ties, so if you’re going to do that anyway you might as well try to convince them to split everything in thirds and then you can help with medical decisions- if they won’t provide inheritance you can’t provide medical care. If they refuse, cut ties

[u/Txidpeony → u/Mindless_Day3349]

Honestly though they can just lie about this. I wouldn’t trust them.

[u/pretentiousbishhh]

i never understood parents who excluded that one kid out of their will…like bro that’s the last message you want to leave your child after you have died? oh we actually love your siblings more than you and we think your pond scum…gee thanks mom and dad for your loving legacy…so demented

[u/Thermodynamo → u/pretentiousbishhh]

My grandparents did this to my mom (who is amazing). I'm not an angry person but in their specific case, I'm glad they're dead. Life got almost immediately easier without them. And I'm glad we don't have their shitty dirty money that they stole from vulnerable elders too. It's not about the money. It's about how they treated people. The world is a better place without people like that.

[u/drivergrrl]

Time to step back and stop being the family therapist.

[u/misoranomegami]

Honey, having seeing other girls go through this, you need to get some therapy and cut ties or at the very least get some strong boundaries. They're not just setting you up to be their caretakers for the rest of their lives, they expect you to be your brother's care taker for the rest of your life. I have a friend who's parents pulled the same thing, in fact paid for her brother's house entirely and then STILL left him their house because he sold the house they gave him and blew the money. They went to her and said that they expected her to not only manage everything for them but also to ensure he didn't lose the house after they past like he lost the previous one. They flat out expected her to pay the taxes and manage the upkeep on the house for her brother after they no longer could. While not helping her at all on her own house or leaving anything to her or her kids.

My parents are leaving their house to my nephew because he's physically disabled and cannot work and they want to be sure he's taken care of. I get that. They're leaving me an inheritance outside of the house and extra money to manage the estate for him. And they ASKED me first. Plus they've always been there when I needed them.

[u/Fioreborn]

Think you need to take a leaf out of your siblings book and have some distance.

Stop setting yourself on fire to keep them warm.

You do all this for them and there's not even a thank you. The will is just them rubbing salt in the wound. You will inherit nothing but more responsibility, more stress.

[u/teresajs]

They put all the responsibility on you AND are cutting you out of any inheritance.  Stop playing the role they've designated for you.  Cut yourself free from responsibility.  

Tell your parents to change the medical responsibility forms to take you off.  Stop giving them rides.  Stop organizing stuff.  Stop taking them on road trips.  Go live your own life.  If your parents want more, they can ask your brothers.

[u/Virtual-Refuse2297]

As someone who had to cut ties with her father during his medical issues, sometimes you have to do what is best for you and let others care for themselves. Everyone has a breaking point. If you tell them your line and they jump all over it, you can and should walk away - if you don't, they'll think they can get away with anything and WILL try.

I'm wishing the best for you!

[u/pourtide]

yer a girrrrrrrrllllll. Misogyny is a bitch. Or is misogyny a bastard?

From here, you do what you feel you need to do in order to sleep at night.

It's so easy to tell someone to cut people out of your life, but it's not always so easy to do.

You have to sleep at night. So you do what you need to do for yourself. Whatever it is you do for them, from here on out, it's not for them, it's for yourself. For your own peace of mind. So you can sleep at night, not stare at the ceiling with angst. It's a weird mental trick I had to figure out, locked in somewhat similar straits of my own.

If you can't find your balance among the choices open to you, then look into counseling. (Yes I did).

And keep writing your thoughts out. Nobody else has to see them. It's just that putting those thoughts and strong emotions down into semi-coherent sentences, somehow it helps me clarify my thought processes. It stops the shit swirling around inside my head that randomly pops up and spoils my day. I stop the overwhelm by expressing it all, safely. Bonus: it's easier to hold my tongue when face-to-face once I've drained my brain.

I have to opt for 'the least bad' way through my mess as there are no wonderful options open to me. And when I start doubting myself, I grab my notebook and turn some pages.

I wish you all the best as you work your way through this swamp.

You can do this.